A little over six months ago I created this website and I called it “Making It Up As I Go” because I wasn’t so sure what I wanted out of the whole thing, or of what other people would think about me doing it.
Now I’m sure.
The other night I was hanging out with church people. Great people. And God fearing men.
Like, the kind of men who play https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wVIyxIjWNI on the TV and shush everyone in the room if they aren’t giving their undivided attention. Like, the kind of men who carry scripture in their pockets and engrain it in their brains and on their hearts because they revere God to be the utmost important thing in their lives. Like, the real deal.
I don’t think of any of these guys as anything more than friends, but I look up to them. I respect them. They produce respect in me by the way they live. But that isn’t the point. I digress.
I looked around the room at these great people – these God fearing men – and I thought to myself, “If I ever want to attract someone who loves the Lord that much, I’ve gotta get my act together.” Really. That’s what my brain voice said. Because I’m in good shape, but I’m not there. Right now, I’m not it.
And it was a sobering realization for me – that I am not ready, I am not worthy of the kind of man I am dreaming of. Not yet. And it put a little fire under my butt to do something about it.
But then I started thinking about how Christ calls us His Bride. And about what a fitting metaphor that is, considering my earthly husband is my biggest wish.
I started thinking about how I’m not heart-ready for my husband, but I’m not heart-ready for Him either. Just as I looked around that room and became aware that I need to be preparing myself for a Godly man, I realized more that I need to be preparing for God Himself.
Because You say I am Your Bride. You say:
2 In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. John 14:2-3
You say that You are coming back for me. You say You cannot stand to not have me where You are. You say that You have already prepared a spot for me in Heaven to be with You. And now I know that I must be preparing to meet You there someday soon.
Because You call me Your Bride. And what You say is true.
I have grown in 111 different ways these past six months. I have learned so many things. About God, about me… but what I know now more than anything else is I am sure.
There is no making it up anymore. Because I am not there yet, but Jesus, You are surely turning me into the real deal.
I have found my identity to be hidden and protected fiercely in You. I am not perfect, and I am still figuring it out, still failing. But Lord, I am not making it up as I go without a clear end in sight. No, I am trailblazing. I am wholeheartedly and unreservedly and unashamedly chasing what You have planned for my life.
Moreover, I am chasing You. I am seeking You in my every next step and earnestly and expectantly waiting for You to squeeze me into something resembling Your character. I am sitting and listening and watching You reveal that character to me, and I am fighting to be faithful to You: to know You more. I am believing You for my future, and not having to be unsure about a single thing.
I’m not making up anything anymore, because I’m no longer writing the story.
(But maybe I’ll just retell it here while I’m on the pursuit of holiness.)