My word for this season of life has been change. And I saw it coming but I could never have pictured it to be what it has become. It’s as if every single fact I’ve stood on my entire life is either completely gone or now very different.
I don’t live in my home anymore; I don’t even have a home at the moment. I move everyday from place to place, and when I do finally go back home at the beginning of August, I’ll leave just 10 days later to start my new life in Tuscaloosa.
The only constant I have is my bicycle, the chafe it will faithfully give me every morning, and my sleeping bag I lay down in every night. But even these things are just a phase and will end before I know it and surely before I’m ready for them to.
I don’t have the same friends that I used to. I stay pretty out of touch with the real world as a whole these days and only hear from a handful of my old friends at all. I now spend my time with 10 girls I didn’t know a month ago and have to say goodbye to even them in two short weeks.
Every relationship I hold has changed. There are people I talked to everyday that have tapered off simply because of a lack of convenience. There are moments that I value my mother so much more because she isn’t there to nurse my skinned knee and times I mourn the fact that I’ll never live under the same roof as her and my sister the same way again.
My dreams have morphed and grown – this one I didn’t see coming. I believe in myself so much bigger nowadays. I’ve seen myself conquer literal mountains and have had a lot of time to think long and hard about how big I really want my life to be – all of the things I want to accomplish. I’m shedding limitations I had unconsciously been putting on myself like old skin and moving into a liberating attitude of self belief.
The things I used to care a whole lot about seem to not matter all that much anymore. People’s opinions of me no longer burden my conscience as heavily – I have found a peace in the things I simply cannot control.
My view of humans has been altered and I see them through a much gentler lense of scrutiny lately. This may be because I’ve been faced so abruptly with my own weaknesses or that I’ve simply encountered many new souls in the past few weeks… but each time I see so clearly a broken, beautiful people. Every single one has visible scars that they wear from their own, difficult story yet they have so much good to contribute still.
I’m learning to be patient in healing – that I’m often not okay and that really is okay. To give myself grace and let myself hurt because it does and it will.
It is all teaching me to have faith; a real kind of faith where I have no other option but to believe because I have absolutely nothing to stand on in my own strength. I’ve learned to live in day-tight compartments and accept Jesus as my portion — the single thing that can get me through.
This may all read as a jumble of miscellaneous thoughts that mean little if anything at all to anyone else, but that’s another thing I’m learning… is I care more about what it means to me. That I desire to be vulnerable and to be seen – even if that doesn’t make sense.
I’ve learned more than I anticipated and have more growth to accomplish than I can imagine but I am grateful for that progression. I lay in this real hotel room bed and I think about who I was 4 weeks ago and I’m thankful it’s not who I am now. I think how much more I appreciate my fortunate position in life and my comfort. I am thankful that my opinions have widened and that I think differently about the world than I used to. And I’m thankful that I live in a moment that isn’t set in stone. Or maybe it is, but I’m thankful that I have more moments to continue changing and for the hope that lies there.
Change is written all over my heart and I am so thankful for that. It’s a tired and fickle organ but it is growing and I am thankful.